If your mum or dad has dementia and you have noticed that the late afternoon and early evening are the hardest part of the day, you are not imagining it, and you are not failing them. There is a name for it: sundowning. By around four o'clock, the person you love can become more confused, anxious, restless, or upset. They may pace, ask the same question over and over, want to "go home" even though they are sitting in their own living room, or refuse to settle for the night.

I see this in Kent families almost every week. Families tell me they are exhausted, they feel guilty, and they wonder what they are doing wrong. The honest answer is: nothing. Sundowning is well recognised, it has nothing to do with how much you love your relative, and there are practical things that genuinely help. In this article, I will explain what sundowning is, why it happens, and what you can try tonight.

What Sundowning Actually Is

Sundowning is the unhelpful name we use for a pattern of late-afternoon and evening confusion and agitation in people living with dementia. It is not a separate illness or a sign that things are getting suddenly worse: it is a daily rhythm that many families notice once they know to look for it.

The signs are usually familiar once they are pointed out:

• Pacing the hallway or moving from room to room
• Repeating the same question every few minutes
• Becoming tearful, anxious, or unusually angry
• Insisting on "going home" while at home
• Refusing to go to bed, or getting up again as soon as they are settled
• Trying to do something they used to do at that time of day, like collecting the children from school

These behaviours are not naughtiness, and they are not stubbornness. They are a tired brain doing its best at the hardest hour of the day.

Why Evenings Are Harder

There is rarely one reason. Sundowning usually builds up from several small things at once:

• Tiredness: A brain affected by dementia works very hard to make sense of an ordinary day. By late afternoon, the tank is empty.
• A disrupted body clock: Dementia damages the part of the brain that regulates day and night, so the cues we take for granted stop working properly.
• Falling light: As daylight drops and shadows grow, the visual world becomes harder to read. A coat on a chair becomes a stranger sitting in the room.
• Hunger or thirst: Lunch was a long time ago, blood sugar is low, and the words to ask for a snack are not coming.
• Pain or a full bladder: People who can no longer say "my hip hurts" or "I need the toilet" still feel it, and the distress comes out as agitation.
• The day's accumulated noise: Television, visitors, phone calls, the news headlines: all of it adds up.

Once you see the pattern, you stop taking the behaviour personally. That alone changes the evening.

What Helps in the Late Afternoon

There is no magic switch, but small, consistent changes make a real difference. The aim is to make the late afternoon calmer, lighter, and more predictable.

Light the Room Before Dusk

Close the curtains and turn the lamps on before the light starts to drop, not after. A warm side lamp at four o'clock is one of the most effective things any family can do. It removes the long shadows that make a familiar room feel strange.

Keep a Predictable Late Afternoon

A small, repeated routine helps a tired brain coast through the difficult hour. A cup of tea at the same time, a familiar TV programme, a few minutes folding tea towels together, a short walk in the garden if it is safe: simple, short, easy to repeat.

Offer a Light Snack

A biscuit and a drink at four o'clock can quietly head off an hour of agitation. Hunger speaks loudly when words have gone.

Let Music Do the Heavy Lifting

A playlist of songs your relative loved in their twenties and thirties is one of the most powerful tools you have. Music reaches parts of the brain that words no longer can.

Do Not Argue With the Confusion

If your dad insists he needs to "get to work" or your mum is looking for her own mother, do not correct them. Step inside their reality for a moment. "She'll be along in a bit, love. Shall we have a cup of tea while we wait?" is kinder, and it works.

What Tends to Make It Worse

A few common evening habits quietly fuel sundowning:

• A loud television in the same room as the person
• Big family visits at the worst time of day, with several voices at once
• Caffeinated tea or coffee after lunch
• Long naps after three o'clock
• Trying to reason them out of a feeling they cannot help

If you can swap one of these for a calmer alternative, you will often see the difference within a week.

When to Talk to the GP

Sundowning is usually a daily pattern, not a sudden change. If your relative becomes acutely more confused over a day or two, get medical advice the same day. The most common hidden cause is a urinary tract infection, which can dramatically worsen confusion in older adults. Constipation, pain, and a recent change in medication are worth raising too. A GP review is always reasonable; trust your instinct.

The Toll on Family Carers, and Where Maucare Comes In

The late afternoon is when family burnout sneaks in. You have been on duty since breakfast. You are tired, hungry, and now the hardest hour has arrived. Many of the families we support in Gravesend, Dartford, Medway, and across Kent tell me the same thing: they can manage the mornings, but the evenings break them.

This is exactly where home care, done properly, changes everything. At Maucare, we deliberately schedule longer late-afternoon visits for clients who experience sundowning, with the same carer wherever possible. Familiarity in the difficult hours matters more than at any other time of day. A calm, familiar face arriving at four o'clock to draw the curtains, put the lamp on, make a cup of tea, and sit alongside your relative is often the single thing that lets the rest of the family eat dinner in peace.

That is what "for you, with you" means in practice. My family caring for your family, with you, not instead of you. If sundowning is wearing your household down, please do speak to us about scheduled late-afternoon visits or respite care. You can also find clear, trustworthy information at the Alzheimer's Society sundowning guide and through the Dementia UK Admiral Nurse helpline on 0800 888 6678.

You are not failing. You are loving someone through a very hard hour. We can help you carry it.